Saturday, May 9, 2009

A Passing....

I've lost a friend. It was yesterday (ten seconds ago? a hundred years ago?). Because it is her wish, her partner (and I) are arranging a Jewish burial. She was a Believer; her understanding was that her mother (long dead) was discovered to have had a Jewish birth mother.....and so, in recent years, she felt herself to be Jewish, all of her spiritual leanings were much in alignment with Judaic thought, and she loved studying about Judaism.

As a result, we're proceeding accordingly. Although she did not live with me, her home (and her partner's) is not a place where visitors could come.....two dogs and four cats are much of the explanation. Therefore, such "shiva" as will be observed, will be observed in my home. Especially the last few years people who saw us together, or who met me while I was with her, assumed without exception that we were sisters. By birth? No. Otherwise? As much as loving sisters leading separate lives can be, so we always chuckled and "Yes, good as."

Note: Shiva (from sheva, "seven") is the second stage of mourning; the first is the period immediately following the loss when the mourners maintain solitude for the deep outpouring of grief that naturally occurs. The third stage, Shloshim ("30") is the next 23 days, when one begins....slowly....to restore daily routine; the degree of these depends on the closeness of the relationship.)

Hers was a life of experiences. We met in the occult shop I worked in. It was the spring of 1971, and I was very pregnant. She "made eyes" at me, and we laughed, and I said that I figured, as it seemed I was probably straight, that ours would be a relative love: the love of a relative for another relative. Sisters.

We were very different in many ways. Her life had been difficult, before we met. And about seven years later, we discovered that my husband and her partner were cut from the same cloth - FEH! In time, she found her partner, L., and I found Mr. Dearling. We've all been together around 23 years, and we agreed we finally "got it right".

She never went to college....and never quit studying. She loved music - generally different from my taste. We hung out, occasionally; we talked often, even when we didn't see much of each other. She lived not far from me. She and L. and I are devout and devoted catpeople. She and L. have had a series of funny ol' cats (one was rescued as a kitten--from the warm engine block of their car!). They've generally also usually had a dog, from the Shelter, and it's been a series of gangly, mutt-y, rambunctious dogs.

In the early days, she was much a part of my children's lives. My Lovely Daughter called her Mom. She saved my older boy from a life of crime by coming up behind him in a grocery one day and whispering "Planning to pay for that, are you?" as she saw him pocket a candy bar. He put it back and never repeated anything like that. (She told me about it later......much later. Years later.)

She had children too, in a different life a thousand years earlier, and when her circumstances changed she recognized that she wasn't in a position to care for children as they should be, and found a foster home where they could remain together. For many years they were out of touch; in the last few years she's heard from them and her grandchildren, and her eldest - a dear girl about Lovely Daughter's age, has been a happy part of her life these last years. (On her part - that was an act of clear-thinking, unrestricted love for her children, and was an act of strength.)

She and L. were at my Thanksgiving table every year. And she worked for years for the Madison Metro bus company, on the phones providing information, &c. She just retired last year, and her time was her own.....although her health was somewhat fragile.

Recently, she was on dialysis, three times a week. I went often to sit and knit and chat with her; sometimes I'd collect her after and we'd "go play", which involved things like a meander to the bookstore often - and a nice lunch somewhere always. In recent weeks she'd taken to volunteering at the Senior Center, and even before that on a couple of occasions I met her there and we'd enjoy the free lunch and following movie. She really liked being there.

She heard of a program yesterday at the Senior Center that interested her a great deal: there was a Holocaust Survivor going to speak, and then sign copies of his book. She was looking forward to it a LOT, and hoped I'd be able to go with her to it...and I was fascinated too and would have loved to, but had to work at the Museum. She called Thursday and left me a message saying that she'd been able to rearrange her dialysis for Friday morning and would be going to hear the speaker - and hoped I'd somehow be able to negotiate around and join her.

I really couldn't, but I called her in the evening and said she should remember what was said so she could tell me all about it. Instead, yesterday afternoon, I got a message on my cellphone from L. saying to call right away. I did. And L. said she was at the hospital emergency room - and that our dear one had collapsed and died. I think I shouted "You're not telling me the truth!"

But she was, of course.

She did go to hear the speaker, and she was in line with her book, waiting to get it signed, when she collapsed. I hope I go that way, when the time comes -- but I just really wasn't quite ready to lose her. I wanted to hear about the program. And so much more......

The next days I mean to observe "shiva", the formal mourning period. It begins after the service (Monday afternoon is the present plan, although it needs to be finalized). I don't know if I'll be writing here during that time. If so -- you'll see it. If not --watch this space.

I'm very, very sad.

15 comments:

kmkat said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Mourn her passing and celebrate her life. She has left her beautiful mark upon you and your family.

Cindy G said...

I'm so very sorry.

Elizabeth said...

Those sudden deaths are the hardest for the survivors. I'm so sorry for your loss.

CTJen said...

Oh, DH, I'm so very sorry you've lost such a special friend. I will light a candle for her tonight. (((HUGS)))

MollyBeees said...

Oh Dale. You have a huge hug waiting from me next time I see you. What a wonderful thing to be doing something she was so looking forward to and then just blink out. You're in my heart and prayers always...

Alwen said...

If other people's tears help at all, you've brought me to them.

MX said...

I'm so sorry for your loss but need to thank you for sharing the wonderful story of your friendship.

Anne said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am also thankful that you shared such a beautiful tribute to your dear friend.

Marjorie said...

Dearie,

So many people touch us. I'm glad you shared about both (PS and S). I think MollyBees will transfer some extra hugs from me, and Mr. D the same. Hugs are good. Wish I could send 'em in person.

Hyacinth said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your wonderful friend. May the memories of the happy times that you shared together bring you comfort during these difficult days. I will say a prayer tonight for your friend, her partner, you and Mr. Dearling and all who loved her.

Cimorine said...

I'm sorry to hear about your freind as well. I hope you can look back and remember all the good times you spent with her. God be with you . . .
Cimorine

Shan said...

There are all kinds of strength, and it sounds like your dear friend was filled with them. I will keep you... and L... in my thoughts.

Hugs

Yarnhog said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope I go the same way, but that doesn't make it any easier for those who stay behind, does it?

Ducky said...

I am sorry - for your loss and your sadness. So sorry.

sue said...

What a beautiful, loving tribute to your friend. If each of us has just one person in our lives as dear to us as she was to you, we are blessed.

I only just came across your blog and this post. I know some time has passed, but couldn't go without saying how touching this is.

Blessings to you and L.