Monday, July 30, 2007

Resolution: Catch UP (and stay there)

This is the famous Kid Tree on our Capitol Square. We have a (truly) wonderful Farmers' Market every Saturday morning in the summer; I didn't actually need any kids, but you can see that the ripe ones have already fallen off. We did get a block of this amazing cheese that you can toast --it doesn't melt really, just sort of softens. They had samples and it's DELISH! I think it wants fruit with it, grapes maybe. Farmers' Market: another reason for living in Madison (I should do one of those "Lists of 100" thingies some time; there are way more than 100 reasons why it's great here.)
However! I promised the Tale of the Tears in Macy's, so I'll start with that.
I have long been a champion of our sisters who, for size reasons, cannot find clothing "on the rack". I'm sure that, in 500 years, ladies will read about this with total disbelief. (Optimistic to the end.) However, it was always something of an issue with me, because I'm short. The only people shorter than I am are either actual Little People or under 8 years old.
Well, thanks to the Wonder of Dentures (and the process of obtaining them) I actually lost the weight I've been wanting off for ages. I'm not suggesting this as a diet, but it worked for me. While going through the whole business I really didn't have much appetite, and it was assisted by the fact that really all I could eat was Instant Mashed Potatoes...I really LIKE those, but honestly, that was about it. (Did I mention dreaming about barbecued ribs and corn on the cob?) OK, so at the end of it all, I have normal-looking teeth and I weigh what I should for someone 4'11" tall, i.e., about 94. I don't look particularly thin, remember, I'm SHORT.
So I found that what I really needed was some underpants. I go for the "cotton brief" style. I don't "get" thongs, but that's for another time. So I went to Shopko to get a package of cheap undies. Well! I found that they didn't have ANY in my size! (The size is listed on the back of the package, and seemed to go by hip size, sometimes hip and waist.)
OK, I headed for Wally World. Along about the Home and Office aisle at Wally World (I ADORE office supplies and couldn't resist fondling the new notebooks and 3x5 cards and stuff, long as I was there anyway) it hit me: I'm going to have to buy my underpants in "GIRLS". So I went to Girls. And I found underwear. And I found packages of 8 or 12 pairs of cotton briefs with my hip and waist size....admittedly, they were "large".
Then I started looking for plain white ones. WELL! Ladies (and gentlemen, if any are reading this....) GUESS WHAT?? My choices were: underpants with Power Puff Girls on them. Or underpants with Disney Princesses on them. Or underpants with ::koff koff:: BARBIE on them.
I went to Target. Started in "Ladies"....nothing. The smallest were for hips 36"-38", and remember, I'm 4'11". So I went to Girls there. And you know what? Barbie. Power Puff Girls. Disney Princesses. About this time I was feeling a little down. A stroll through the ring binders and pens and mechanical pencils restored me somewhat, but I figured OK, it must be that I'm going to have to spend a little more than I'd intended -- but you know? When you're 64 you can figure purchases really MIGHT last you all the rest of your life, so it's worth it spending a bit more.
So I went to Macy's. I don't shop in Macy's. I wear ankle-length calico dresses with full pinafores over. (I have a passion for Tasha Tudor and a Serious Need for pockets; they don't carry "me" in Macy's.) But you know -- underpants is underpants.
I found the Ladies' Department. And I asked a young clerk I encountered where I might find underlinens. She looked at me like I'd said "horseshit" and sort of gawped with her mouth open. I clarified: "Underpants". "OH" said she, obviously relieved, (?) and pointed. I found them. And guess what? NOPE! Not even the soft, lovely, elegant (read "expensive") undies came in smaller sizes. The Kindly Elegant Older Clerk came over and asked if I was finding everything -- and friends? That was when I started to cry. CRY! in MACY'S! Surrounded by all those lovely soft elegant underlinens. She looked a little panicked, so I explained....I mean, it was sort of a teary kind of cry, not the ugly sobby kind. Yet.
In elegant genteel tones she suggested....Girls. So I went, and there IS a .... well, maybe not a happy ending, but an ending. I found a package of three pair of underpants. One pair is lavender, one pair is lavender-and-lime-green stripes, and one pair is *cute* lime-green-and-lavender little flowers, like you might find on A CHILD'S UNDERWEAR. But I bought them, brought them home, and can report that the size L does fit.
Now...if I'm wearing the flowered ones...I am VERY careful crossing the street. I remember Mom telling me to be sure my underwear was clean "so when you get hit by a car you won't be embarrassed." (WHEN??) I'm taking great care to not get hit by a car. Just sayin'.


Elizabeth said...

OH my goodness: humor and pathos and underwear all in one post. You are the best.

The trouble with WallyWorld (well, only one of the many many troubles) is that they must put some licensed image on every article of clothing for kids that they sell, evidently, undergarments, too.

I wonder about Kohls? Something mid-level upscale? Of course, you could buy some nice plain white muslin and sew some bloomers and call it good... or not.

I figure, if I'm going to have a medical emergency involving quick stripping of the patient, I want to be wearing my oldest, rattiest undies. That way, they don't cut up the new ones. But I'm cheap that way. ;-)

Jane said...

Clothing designers and sizers should be dragged out into the street and shot! It's always trauma time when it comes to buying underwear. I'm ok in the panties department, but don't get me started on bras. Sheesh. But really, you have to admit that little flowers are a lot better than Disney Princesses. Shudder!!

Diane said...

I'm a little shocked that they have all cartoon undies in girl's size large. By that point they are a little older and want to dress more like the teens .... unless the teens are out rockin' the disney princess undies ???

Michael said...

Have you tried Lord & Taylor? They have a good selection.