Thursday, August 28, 2008

B.R.A.T!

No, no! This is not Evangeline behaving in a bratty fashion (perish the thought!). This is my Administrative Assistant, wedged tightly tucked neatly in on the desk, where she can totally impede be of assistance with any typing done by my right hand. She'd be the first to tell you, if I have any success writing my children's stories, any cleverness involved in blogging, any value in correspondence....it's in direct proportion to how close she is to me at the time.



I'm not actually referring to the fat, juicy, succulent, crisp-charred and delicious morsel enrobed in spicy, flavorful mustard and adorned with icy-cold crunchy sauerkraut we fondly call "Brats" either. Although........ merde! Having written that last bit, and gazed at that photographic image, I have to tell you that at THIS. PRECISE. MOMENT! there is nothing on the face of the globe that I want more than that exact, precise, identical thing. Want? Desire. Crave. Yearn for. Need. Excuse me, I'm stepping away for a brief howling scream weep.

Thank you, all better.

No...the B.R.A.T. referred to in the title of this post refers instead to a diet to which I have been sentenced for "a few days". Now, I know this means "more than one". I fear it means "more than ten", but I'll investigate. OK, Dale-Harriet, what is this, and why are you so sentenced?

A one-word reason: BLECCH. For about a week now, I've been under the weather. Sick? No..."sick" implies you're really out of sorts, you take to your bed with cool cloths on your head, you begin planning your own memorial service, you become familiar with the precise time and distance from the bed to the bathroom. I'm not sick. Well, then, what's the opposite, ruddy and hearty good health?

Nay, I say. There is that little window between the two, where you're not sick enough to get out of work or school, can put off responsibilities with a clear conscience, &c. Nor are you "just a little tired" but able to sum up enthusiasm for your required daily turn. I don't know that there's a name for this particular level of malaise ..although, now I think on it, "malaise" might be just the term.

(Am I digressing? Huhn!) Here are my symptoms...and no worries, you weak of stomach, nothing here will distress you. I'm gassy. I'm gurgly in the middle. I'm (this is the worst part) unenthusiastic about eating. Re-read that last line. Think about it. Ponder it.

So, I did what any Aging Hypochondriac does (well....ok, "hypochondriac" might be a little extreme, but I felt like it this time). I called the doctor. And I described how I felt in exact, precise, colorful, descriptive - and in some places medically-accurate terms. (All those years working at UW Hospital paid off...nevermind that I worked in Plastic Surgery, Otolaryngology and Outpatient Psych.)

"Oh YES," crowed the nurse (of whom I am, might I add, very fond). "You have IT !" Images of creaking old wooden carts rumbling down cobblestone roads came to mind, pushed by raggedy old men screeching "Bring out your DEAD...bring out your DEAD!" Have I mentioned my Overactive Imagination?

Anyway, the prescription is "Eat the B.R.A.T. diet for a few days. Set ya right up."

So...for the time being, I'm restricted to Bananas, Rice,Applesauce, and Toast. Now, the other element to this charmer? NO DAIRY! So, you know, no rice with melted cheese, no toast soggy with melted butter, no bananas carmellized in .... well, you get the picture. There's a Yiddish word for this (isn't there always?): FEH!! That's on the order of "meh" only moreso.

So far, (third day) it hasn't seemed to make any miraculous changes to my off-kilter alimentary canal. Hmmmmmm.....

What's the name of that yoghurt stuff? If it's good enough for Jamie Lee Curtis~~~~

5 comments:

kmkat said...

This is the second time today I have come across the term "BRAT diet," a thing I had never heard of before. Weird. Hope it works for you.

MollyBeees said...

I'm sorry you're ailing. I hadn't read this before I saw you today or I would have given you at get well hug! Feel better!

lovely daughter said...

Mom: It's called "Activia"...I think Dannon makes it. No idea if it works, but as you've seen in the ad, Jamie Lee Curtis seems to like it :)

Alwen said...

The BRAT diet was the first thing I thought of after a bratwurst.

I did a lot of temping when we were first married, including a long stint in a pediatrician's office, putting their records in the computer for the first time.

So I learned about the BRAT diet, nasal saline, and a bunch of other things that stood me in good stead when I finally became a mom!

Beth said...

"That yogurt stuff" is indeed Activia. Imagine chalk dust mixed in non-dairy artificial vanilla creamer and water. Horrid stuff.

I hope the BRAT works quickly for you. I've had a few weeks of the tummy-trouble myself. The first time around I thought it was food poisoning, but since I spent the holiday weekend under the weather as well, I'm guessing something is out of whack. Thank goodness for ginger ale and weak (somewhat) hot tea.